Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
