I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
