Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
