Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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