The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
