I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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