They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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