I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
