you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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