if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
