why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
