She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
