i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
