DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
