It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
