those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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