But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
