He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
