i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
