Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
