I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
