"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
