Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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