someone threw a dead crab at me
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
