I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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