thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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