This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
