if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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