we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
