i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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