She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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