guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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