i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
