Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
