So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
