My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
