soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
