ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
