Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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