her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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