Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
