my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You took a bar mat shot.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
