My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
