it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
