Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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