another moral hangover. fuck.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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