My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
