p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
