so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
