I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
