I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
