She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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